Metropole Magazine

Today's Weather: Abuja NG: Partly Cloudy, Day 360|Night 260

21 Nov Written by  Elnathan John

Abuja: Eight Articles of Faith

1. A good car is the first article of faith. The sooner you realize this the faster you will make it into Abuja heaven. Stickers prove this point. One needs to identify which agent of the living god has blessed one’s hustle and what the slogan of that agent is this year. You are what you drive. This became clear to you when you still had Silvanus, the old red Audi with a gay German soul. Even those whose faith was so little that they had no cars discriminated against you when there was more than one car offering a lift. It is clearer now that Silvanus is dead and gone. You miss Silvanus.

2. Affected speech is a virtue. Even when you are speaking to your secondary school classmate from Federal Government Girls College, Bakori. The closer you are to a proper British or American accent the more intently people will listen and nod. Your argument will not need to have any nuance or logic. You can mix both accents, using the British accent for most words and the American for words like God, Lord, and Word. For guidance, pay attention to the prophets of this message on Abuja radio. When you meet a white person, it is important to switch to a more affected form of your British, American or mixed accents. Even if the white person is Hungarian and can barely speak English.

3. Jesus performed a miracle where, from two loaves of bread and five fishes, he fed 5,000 people. Jesus also said his followers would perform miracles greater than he did. He was referring to civil servants in Abuja who, on salaries of less than N150,000 a month, can afford to buy houses, pay exorbitant school fees for many children, drive expensive cars, maintain lovers and even occasionally go on vacation abroad. You really should read the Bible more often.

4. They say Toronto Mayor Rob Ford uses crack cocaine and alcohol. He admitted to smoking crack only once and says that he only used alcohol before a ‘come to Jesus moment’. The often high Mayor does not ask Toronto residents to ride bicycles in a city with epileptic traffic lights, open manholes and sidewalks that are taken over by cars in many places. That is not because he is such a good guy. It is just because Toronto has functional street lights. Google it, I am not lying. They elect their Mayors in Toronto. Every major city deserves an opportunity to elect its own crack head. There is a reason you never see the Minister on the streets. He doesn’t work for you.

5. Majority of the people who live here are liars. They tell their friends they live in Abuja when they commute daily from crowded places like Nyanya, Gwagwa, Gwagwalada or Mararaba. Liars will not make heaven. That is why, when someone asks where you live, you say I live in the FCT. Not Abuja.

6. Cleanliness is next to godliness, but only on some Abuja streets. It doesn’t seem like a great idea to keep the whole city clean – with perfect earthly cities, people will stop aspiring to heaven. God forbid that people stop looking forward to heaven.

7. Park [paark](noun) : {not} a public place for recreation. With the exception of one or two places, an Abuja park is a place where you buy bludgeonedcatfish and beer. It does not welcome idle people who have watched too many foreign movies and want to ‘take a walk in the park.’ Abuja rightly resists cultural imperialism.

8. An ambulance belonging to the city will discourage rich people from decongesting the city by flying abroad for medical treatment. There are already too many cars in the city. The absence of any emergency services gives residents of the city the opportunity to show neighborly love. It is God who said you must love your neighbor as yourself. Taking a bleeding stranger in your car to a hospital which may or may not be able to help is an investment in eternal life. You want to make heaven.